because I have this restless feeling for some reason, like I have to maintain this sort of momentum, the perpetual motion of departure and arrival, to observe and enjoy this place that seems simultaneously hostile and welcoming. i'm keeping you at a distance, new york, because I can't tell yet how I feel about you, because sometimes I feel like I'm coming home and sometimes I feel threatened....
I try to keep in mind that rush of warm feeling i get on the occasion that i have a jumpseat with a view descending into JFK and I see the city lights and i'm amazed to be where I am, doing what i'm doing...
"every great city is a Lourdes where you hope to throw off your crutches but meanwhile must stumble along on them, hobbling under the protection of the shrine."*
along these lines I'm experiencing this strange apprehension stemming from recent tragic events back home. it is somewhat paralyzing. I want to roam around in search of good photographs, but the isolated places i'd normally explore are frightening right now. it'll pass but for the moment i suppose i have a keener sense of human fragility and the reality that our world is a violent and chaotic place to exist.
so, i'm keeping the wheels in motion and stepping carefully around my new "home", hoping at some point that everything will fall into place and I will wake up someday and look out the window at that formidable skyline and say "this is where I belong." we'll see.
"when you travel your first discovery is that you do not exist."*
*elizabeth hardwick. thanks jessie!
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